Wondering Voices

Wondering is something that I do a lot.

I do it so often that it has married itself into my daily life, causing my brain to go on overdrive the minute I open my eyes. 

I think about what I might encounter if I get out of bed this morning, and what will be the consequences if I didn't. Would it be my last day to dream? Would I gain a new friend or lose one? Is this the day that I should try something that's completely out of my comfort zone, or should I just stay still and quiet on a corner to ensure my safety and live another day? Would I fly? Should I run or walk? Will someone grab my hand and dance with me on the street, or is this such an impossible feat?

These are the questions that haunt me every waking hour of the day. These are conversations that happen inside my head...conversations that excite and scare me at the same time. 

The voices in my head are my own and yet there are times when I don't recognize to whom does it belong.

There's an unknown force that pushes me to believe that the world is boundless, that abstract is beautiful and chaos is perfection.

But when I start to step foot on soft, uncharted soil, I get pulled back to the world bounded by black and white. There is no faith, no use for dreams, no beauty but only reality and science.

And I wonder...

I wonder who I really am.

I wonder if there's even a way for me to understand why I'm like this.

I wonder what would even happen if I do end up knowing myself.

Would I explode violently with my discovery, or would I finally love myself because of it?

I long to know the unknown but I'm too scared to go where there's no light, no safety rails, no familiar faces, no rules.