Holding on and Letting Go

"If it rains, I'll forget about my feelings for you. 

I'll move on...I'll act like nothing happened.

 But if it doesn't rain, you're going to have to deal with the fact that I like you and I'll like you no matter what happens"

It never rained.

And so I cried that night, the next morning, and the day after that. I cried because I was hurt and disappointed...and because I knew that that wager was of no use anyway. Even if it did rain, my feelings for my best friend will still be there. I'll continue to like him, care for him more than any other girl in his life, and place him on top of my priorities. I'll let my affections develop into something deeper until he has taken full possession of my heart.

Yes, I was and I am still willing to be vulnerable for him. I am open to facing endless possibilities as long as he's taking the risk with me.

But that's the problem. He's not willing to go beyond the bounds of friendship. He told me he'd rather have me as a best friend than pursuit a romantic relationship. It sucks big time because the reasons that he told me we're the same reasons that was holding me back before. It hurts more because I was able to let go of my reservations and my promises to myself, but he wasn't.

I know it would be unfair if I impose my feelings on him. It's not his fault that I'm brave enough to let my guard down...that I let go of my fears and inhibitions. But I'm still hoping that someday he'll take a chance because these feelings of mine are not going away.

And if ever that time comes,

I'll say yes in a heartbeat.

~to cvb

The Cold Side of the Pillow

Let me start this blog by saying that the title has no connection whatsoever to this entry. I just wanted to sound hip, cool and interesting. So I apologize to whoever checked-out this page in the hopes of reading philosophical/romantic/comedic crap coz you're never going to get any of those.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, allow me to introduce myself.

I'm a living,breathing, walking irony.

How I came to be this 'extroverted-introvert' is beyond me (I'm not even sure if such a term exists. No such words has been invented to adequately describe my personality). The list of my life's paradox doesn't end there, though. I have a myriad of contradicting attributes that make me...er...quite eccentric.

Okay, yeah. Let's do away with the highfalutin words and just stick with weird, unusual, crazy and confused.

I'm nothing special infact, I'm a bit of a bore. LOL. But seriously, I'm just a socially-awkward penguin who tries to survive life everyday without causing too much damage.

I'm just like any other girl out there who goes to university, studies 'til all my braincells explode, eats like a castaway, sleeps like a sloth and cries like a baby when I can't fit in my jeans anymore. I'm silly, gullible, bubbly and dense. I don't think I have a sense of humor...or if I do it's something that goes beyond the standards of the universe we live in.

I'm no Barbie nor Betty Boop. My hips are too big to be paralleled to a fairy/ballerina/pop-star and my boobs are too small to be fantasized about. Most of my body fat decided to settle on my thighs and arms. I have saucer-like eyes which are a bit chinky too. People have mistaken me to be Pakistani, Mexican, Arabian, Korean, Chinese and Japanese but never Filipino, Spanish, Portuguese or Malay  (yeah yeah. I'm a product of an interracial gene pool comprised by those 4 nationalities. Don't ask how or why or whatever)

My hobbies in life include reading hipster books, stalking people on the internet, singing in the shower, dancing in my bedroom, kicking guys in their crotch (just kidding! wink wink), eating tubs of ice cream while sobbing over romantic films, making love to my bed, writing blogs, fanfics and other novels, and debating.

I don't have many friends. I have a few close ones who put up with my crap for a few hours then starts slapping me afterwards. We know so much about each others lives coz we've been through all the highs and lows of life. They're trustworthy and awesome that's why I love them to death! Also, they don't treat me like garbage so I'm really grateful for having them around.

See? I'm like a rag doll. People enjoy my company but only a few of them go out of their way to actually know me. They find me alluring not because I'm an eye-candy or because I have a charismatic personality, but because I take the attention out of their flaws and shift the focus on me while I make a fool out of myself. In short, I'm a big distraction.

Sigh.

Oh well. This is me. Boring, loony, corny and chubby Chloe.