Contemplation of a nocturnal

My life isn't perfect.

I'm independent for a reason. 

I was forced to act, think and talk maturely at a very young age. The privilege of gradual development wasn't granted unto me. I had to skip all the 'childhood' parts of my life. I was made to believe that time well spent is time used in reading a book or watching the news. Friends are foes in disguise. Telly was just a distraction that did nothing but limit my intellectual capacity. Though I was able to enjoy the glories of Disney, I was never ever able to truly capture the essence of it. Fairies, pixie dusts and genies were to be treated as mere creatures who condoned sloth and indecisiveness; with a flick of a wand they can give you your heart's desire or transform it into something else without you doing anything. 

I was expected to know how to run my life and run it well.

Dreaming was never an option.

Everything was to be planned because if at the first try you don't succeed then you are reduced to mere a failure. There's no second chances. There's no pep talk and pats in the back.

Achievements were to be treated only as another step conquered to reach a higher goal. 

I was never allowed to sit back, relax and think of what I want to do next. It was always one work after another, one medal or two to be added to the myriad of shiny golden things that hung on the wall, new plaques to be displayed on top of the staircase, and another trophy for them to brag about.

Yes, I feel like I'm just a trophy child.

I feel empty.

I feel ruined.

And everything was aggravated by the fact that I'm the eldest child.

A whole new burden has been brought to my shoulders; one that deepened the already hallowed part of my being.

Don't get me wrong. I love my siblings with all my heart but sometimes, I can't help wondering why everything has to be this way. Most of the time I want to throw all that I have and all that I am and go to a new place for a new beginning.

But there's nothing that I can do to walk away from all of this. And so, I just decided to do what I do best; put my feelings in words and give a whimsical twist to it.

You're forced to limit your needs and eliminate any wants in life.
You cannot simply ask your parents for money even if it's for school purposes because as the 'practical one', you're expected to save your allowance (no matter how small it is) and use it for buying stuff you need.
You cannot choose a college program that exceeds the 4 yr norm, and it should only involve digits because it pays to be good in Math.
You should be contented with hand-me-downs from your grandmom/mom/cousin/aunt. As long as it fits, you wear it. (underwear included)

Your siblings "look-up" to you. Every bad action/thing they make automatically reflects to you. So if they're screwed, you get the blame.

This pretty much sums up everything.

When your mom has problems with your dad or with the household, she goes to you because your father's too manly  for this and your siblings are too young.
When one of your siblings has problems at school, with their friends or with their lovelife, they immediately go to you. Either they ask you to give advice or just sit there and absorb their depression.

The kind of life you're living right now is probably the product of Good Parenting advice,books and articles.

You cannot let your emotions supersede your logic.
You're not allowed to express any kind of teenage hormonal crap coz your parents won't tolerate it.

Well, you can but it will only get in the way of your education and doing the household chores. Speaking of chores, you are expected to voluntarily  assume responsibility over your house when no one is available.